you wrote your name on my skin
by rustyliver
Summary: She feels bad for using Claudia like this, but when Claudia told her that there are still pieces of Helena left in the Janus Coin, Myka jumped at the chance promising that they will only do it once, but she should have known that once isn't enough. It turns out twice isn't too.


****Warning: This story alludes to suicide

* * *

**One**

Helena takes her hand and asks, "Aren't you curious?"

And her head screams no. She was never curious because that's death down there. But she doesn't say it because Helena is holding her hand and it has been so long since she felt that perfect fit. But she knows if she lets go, Helena is going to jump anyway and that is a bigger loss than her life right now. So she holds on and lets Helena pull her down a cliff.

She closes her eyes and waits but the ground never arrives. So she opens her eyes and looks at Helena before she even thinks of looking down.

Helena is smiling and oh how she has missed that smile, but this one is different from all the others that she has seen, because it looks so free of fear and burden.

Maybe it's because she has reached terminal velocity and the ground keeps moving further away that her body thinks that 124 mph is zero. Maybe it's Helena because she is the only one who has ever made Myka feel like she is floating when in fact she is falling. And there's the other possibility that she doesn't want to think about right now.

So before her brain gets there, she pulls Helena towards her and crush her lips against Helena's. It isn't elegant. It is rushed and possibly sloppy. She feels Helena wince because her teeth might have hit Helena's lip a little too hard. But Helena doesn't pull away. She welcomes it.

She is every bit as ferocious as Myka is, and Myka remembers how it isn't just Helena's hand that is a perfect fit. Her lips. Her tongue. Her breasts. Her arms.

Her hand crawls down to Myka's hip while the other hand stays at Myka's neck and Helena sweeps her off her feet, except her feet weren't planted to a ground. But it's Helena. She always defies logic.

She follows Myka's horizontal form. And it's like they are lying on a bed and Helena is on top of her. And she thinks about how Helena's thigh also fits perfectly between her thighs.

"Darling, you are mad," Helena says.

"So are you," Myka says. And she wants to tell Helena that it's her fault that she is crazy enough to jump off a cliff but Helena is already fading.

The next time Myka blinks, it is Claudia holding her hand. The Janus Coin is no longer in her palm.

She is angry even though she knows Claudia has not taken Helena away from her. That is not Helena. Not really. Just a fragment of her memory and personality.

But still, she harshly pulls her hand away from Claudia and doesn't speak to her for the rest of the day.

**Two**

It's dark and she feels heavy. She reaches blindly for anything solid, but nothing yet. She hasn't even tripped on anything, and she wonders if this means that she is trapped in a dimension of nothingness again.

But then she hears a sound. She walks towards it, and when she is close enough to hear that it's someone crying, she immediately starts to run.

She knows that voice.

She used to run towards it every night for almost a year.

It's a secret of the hour between three and four in the morning when thoughts and feelings that are usually so small can overwhelm. She would crawl into Helena's bed silently and put her arms around Helena.

She did it every day until…well, she did it every day even though it hurt her to know that she can never quite reach Helena.

This time she is adamant. She will reach Helena no matter what.

And finally Myka sees Helena, hugging her knees to her chest but Myka's body suddenly becomes unbearably heavy. It takes everything in her to take another step.

"Helena!" she calls.

But Helena doesn't seem to hear it. Her face is still buried in her knees. Or maybe she is ignoring Myka like all those times when Myka woke up alone in her bed, and later, when Myka found her in the kitchen, they would go back to the playful flirtations like nothing happened the night before.

But this time, Myka knows how it ends so she lifts her foot up and pushes forward until she is just a foot away from Helena when she feels it.

She curses. Not yet, Claudia.

"Helena, look at me," she utters desperately. "Helena."

Helena shifts. Just barely.

"Can you hear me, Helena?"

Myka reaches out but even her arm is too heavy. "Please…"

Helena finally looks up but it's too late.

"I'm here…"

Myka tries not to blink this time but Helena is already gone and is again replaced by Claudia.

"Always," Myka whispers.

Claudia puts her arm around her and she tries to squirm her way out but Claudia holds her tight, even when she tries to push her away because she can't bear the thought of Helena cold and alone in there without anyone to hold her.

**…**

"Are you sure?" Claudia asks. "Yesterday…"

She is worried. Using one artifact that messes with your mind is bad enough. Myka is using two.

"I need this, Claud," Myka says. "You need me to do this," she reminds Claudia.

She feels bad for using Claudia like this, but when Claudia told her that there are still pieces of Helena left in the Janus Coin, Myka jumped at the chance promising that they will only do it once, but she should have known that once isn't enough. It turns out twice isn't too.

So she drinks the tea and holds out her palm to Claudia.

**Three**

Myka is praying that Helena is a better rider than she is a driver. She is showing off just like she did many years ago when she told Myka that she earned her driving license.

Myka didn't believe her but she lets Helena drive her car because she knows Helena would steal someone else's car if she didn't. At least if she was with Helena, she might be able to prevent any accidents. But she soon regretted it because Helena didn't listen when Myka told her to slow down. She ended up hitting the 'Welcome to Univille' sign board. The people of Univille were not happy about it. It was another thing to add to their list of reasons to hate the so called IRS agents.

But Myka knows nothing about horse riding so maybe Helena has it under control since neither of them has fallen yet, and it could be that the Janus Coin's interpretation of Helena's charming side made her an expert in everything knightly.

She did just rescue Myka from a tower after all, but she hasn't slayed the dragon yet, and from the burning trees behind them, the dragon is very angry that someone has stolen its princess from right under its nose.

Myka is a little annoyed that Helena isn't letting her have the sword. She is perfectly capable of handling one but Helena insists that it's her duty to save Myka.

"This would be easier if you would just give me your sword!" Myka yells.

The dragon has swooped down several times to steal Myka away, and it will be so much easier to fend it off if Myka is the one to do it so Helena can focus solely on their escape.

"I would rather still be alive in five seconds," Helena says.

Myka knows that Helena is smirking even though Helena is facing away from her. She always knows.

They reach an open field and Helena stops.

"You have stolen my princess and I want her back," comes a voice from above.

The dragon is a female, Myka thinks at first. But the voice, she knows that voice. When it lands, she sees that someone is riding it. It's…

"Helena?"

She is both the hero and the villain.

They both jump onto the ground and the villain draws her sword.

But before Myka could see who wins, she is again yanked out of the Janus Coin by Claudia, but for the first time, she doesn't mind it because she already knows the outcome.

_…_

"One last time," she says.

"I don't think it's a good idea," Claudia says. Her face is the twenty year old Myka knew long ago, but the worried creases on her forehead show her age.

"I'm close." It's a lie. There is no way these distorted pieces of Helena can tell her where the Astrolabe is, but Claudia has nothing to worry about. The Astrolabe is gone. Helena destroyed it after Leena's death.

Claudia shakes her head. "No artifact is worth this."

No, but Helena does.

"What about the kids?" Claudia asks.

She knows how badly this is affecting Myka's health. It is shaving off the already small amount of days she has left.

"They're adults and they understand very well that I'm going to be gone soon," Myka says. She and her kids have already cried it out two weeks ago when she decided to stop the chemotherapy.

"But it could be today," Claudia says, her voice trembling and her eyes are starting well up.

Myka smiles and pulls her young friend — always young to her for some reason, maybe because she has always seen Claudia as her little sister — close.

"Josh is gone. Leena's gone. Artie's gone. Everyone. Pete. HG. Steve. And now…" Claudia trails off.

This situation feels familiar, and Myka starts saying, "Everyday people die—" because it was what she had said then, but she stops herself from finishing the thought. It isn't the right thing to say.

"I should be used to it now," Claudia mutters softly.

It makes Myka feels so guilty for saying what she didn't intend to say, but mostly for not wanting to stay for Claudia.

She kisses Claudia's head and apologizes, and she repeats the apology another two times because she can't think of anything else to say. Then she waits quietly with Claudia in her embrace.

Claudia eventually wipes her eyes and nose, and she hands Myka one of Beatrix Potter's cups.

**Four**

They are in their bed this time.

"I don't understand why we're here," Myka wonders aloud.

"Perhaps," Helena says, "we are in heaven."

"I thought you didn't believe in heaven."

"Not after I met you."

"And why is that?"

"Because only heaven is worthy of a perfection such as you."

"And you."

Helena chuckles, shaking her head. "That is absurd."

"Then why are you here?"

"I might have killed some angels to be by your side."

"Then I'm not perfect."

"Why?"

"Because if that is true, I don't mind it."


End file.
